The question should be instead why would I want to stay? Honestly! The future I was facing was a nightmare to me. Although I was convinced that this is what I am supposed to yearn for, that this is my only option, I could never imagine myself doing it. It is only due to some heavy duty brainwashing in Russia that I ever considered to:
- bring another human being into the world
- be pregnant
- go into labour
- spend my whole life with a man (a Russian man!)
- Loose my job to motherhood
- Sacrifice my dreams to live the way others wanted me to
- Date a woman on the side while having a husband
- Wear makeup, high heels, skirts
- Seek men’s attention
- Turn myself into a sex object
I always wanted out, always! I knew I don’t want any of the stuff girls are supposed to want when I was five. Boys had all the fun, girls had to sacrifice their lives and wreck their bodies.
When I met Meg, I got the option of escaping from my life. Though scared at first, I gradually could not see myself surviving in Russia any longer. The noose was tightening and very soon my mother would demand I marry the guy she made me date or I would get pregnant! It was a nightmare. What makes it even more creepy is that this kind of a life a woman must want and secure for herself. In just a few months I would have lost nearly all my freedoms. I would loose income, autonomy over my body and as a consiquence the option to chose my path in life.
I ran without looking back. I knew I was abandoning everything I had ever known, but the reality was it was only my chains I was running away from.
I was incredibly lucky I never got pregnant. The man I dated never got legal right to dictate how I live and restrict my freedom. This is why I see a woman’s bodily autonomy to be the key factor of her personal freedom.
Do I regret running?
Absolutely not. I am grateful to myself for making it over the fence and leaving those people behind. Far away from me and the person I love.
2025